Life | Some Complaints Before Starting My WeRide Internship

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Author: YoungForest (from Douban)
Source: https://www.douban.com/note/694767558/

Recently I have kept feeling that I cannot control my own life.

First, which is more important: living happily, or working hard to become what others expect? Right now, I identify more with the latter. Since childhood, I have been the “other people’s child”: obedient, well-behaved, no video games, no early romance, no fighting, and good grades. But was that life happy? Not necessarily. Now, even after graduating from college and already becoming ordinary among the crowd, I still cannot avoid gradually living more and more like what others expect. I even think this kind of life seems more meaningful. At the end of the day, I am still a person in “society”. I need recognition from parents, classmates, teachers, and friends in order to keep going.

Second, after starting graduate school, my life has not been happy at all. I have to take many courses I do not want to take, all for Beihang’s degree certificate that I do not even know the use of. Also, after having an advisor, many times I have to deal with the advisor. I am not someone who is “good at handling matters” or good at outwardly obeying while inwardly resisting teachers. So often, I need to spend time doing things the teacher requires but that I do not want to do and cannot see the benefit of. For example, writing papers, merely low-quality conference papers, with no idea what use they have, or going to JingChi to do engineering work, where I only get 1k per month, not even enough for meals.

Finally, motivation. My motivation for doing things is always insufficient, and combined with my laziness, many things simply do not get done. For example, taking English exams, or finding a very good internship. These things clearly have large long-term benefits if done well, yet my motivation and passion are still insufficient. Now I seem unable to get interested in anything and only want to drift along muddleheadedly. That is truly frightening.

Complaints are complaints. I will still go all out in the internship, and keep trying to control my own life, using fragmented time to become the person I want to become.

P.S. Why fragmented time? Our current course pressure is already heavy, and I also need to intern, so large blocks of time are already rare.